DemDaily: A Little Political Humor. Our Monthly RoundUp!

June 21, 2024

To remind us to laugh.

On the upcoming presidential debate
Trump is said to have a game plan that includes not interrupting President Biden, as he has in the past, said Jimmy Kimmel. “And, as we all know, he has an uncanny ability to stick to his game plan. His discipline is unmatched!”

“Biden has secluded himself at Camp David, where he’s preparing for this bout like Rocky Balboa getting ready for ‘Golf Clubber’ Lang. And Trump is hard at work right now, deciding whether to go with the scented Aqua Net or unscented.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, despite skipping every other debate, Trump reportedly cannot wait to attack Joe Biden. It’s the most he’s ever hated someone he wasn’t married to.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Next Thursday is the first 2024 presidential debate between President Biden and former President Trump, which means we’re just one week away from finding out who falls asleep onstage.” - Seth Meyers

On Trump's memory
The author of the upcoming book ‘Apprentice in Wonderland’ said in a new interview that former President Trump has ‘severe memory issues.’ ‘Same here,’ said undecided voters.” – Seth Meyers

“I love how Trump didn’t remember who the author was but still talked to him for 10 hours.” - Jimmy Fallon

“I’m starting to think Trump writes his name on buildings just so he can remember where he lives.” - Jimmy Fallon

During a recent rally, Trump bragged about passing a cognitive exam before mistakenly referring to his White House doctor, Ronny Jackson, as “Ronny Johnson.“Bragging about acing a cognitive test while forgetting the name of the doctor who gave it to you is like writing on a résumé that you speak three languages and misspelling the word ‘languages.’” – Seth Meyers

[Imitating Trump] “I love Ronny Johnson. Doc Ronny Doc Ronny Johnson. He gave me the test, then I went home to my beautiful wife, Malaria.” – Stephen Colbert

“It’s like walking into a glass door after the doctor says you have 20/20 vision.”  - Jimmy Fallon

“The sad thing is under MAGA law, his name is now Ronny Johnson.” - Jon Stewart

On the Ten Commandments
“Louisiana became the first state to require public schools to display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. Apparently, they’ve been having a lot of trouble with kids coveting their neighbor’s oxen.” – Seth Meyers

“Maybe they should also post the Constitution in the Louisiana governor’s office so he can give it a read every once in a while.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Oh, come on, everybody knows if you want to make something accessible to kids, you don’t put it in a big font; you put it in a Hello Kitty Trapper Keeper.” – Stephen Colbert

“I hate to break it to you, but Louisiana ranks 38th in reading — I don’t think the font is going to help.” – Desi Lydic

I will say, in fairness, the point in posting the Ten Commandments in schools is to remind third-graders not to commit adultery.” - Jimmy Kimmel

On the Heatwave
“Around 150 million Americans are expected to experience temperatures above 90 degrees this week, thanks to what they call a ‘heat dome.’ I always thought the heat dome was that weird helmet thing my grandma sat under at the hair salon.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“It’ll be so hot in Maine this week, the lobsters will be getting in pots just to cool down.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s so hot in New York this week, the rats are wearing crop tops.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s so hot in South Dakota, Kristi Noem’s dogs are shooting themselves.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s so hot at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump asked Melania to be even colder to him.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Scientists warn heat waves will be longer, more intense and more frequent. So, good news for Mrs. Heat Wave.” – Stephen Colbert

On Trump's return to the Scene of the Crime
Donald Trump returned to Capitol Hill last week for the first time since the January 6 insurrection.

“They always return to the scene of the crime.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Some Republicans who were in the room described the meeting as a ‘gripe-filled’ airing of legal and personal grievances. That sounds right.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“The meeting itself, according to sources, took place at an undisclosed location, which means any of the five McDonald’s within a 10-minute radius of the Hill.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“One of the things he talked about at this meeting, is Taylor Swift supporting Joe Biden. He said, ‘Why would she endorse this dope?’ And they were like, ‘I don’t know, why did we endorse this dope?’” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Seriously, do you people have no shame? It’s the guy’s first public visit since he sicked a mob on you and almost got you killed, and not only are you welcoming him back with open arms, you’re singing him ‘Happy Birthday’? This is like if all the teens at Crystal Lake got together to throw a surprise party for Jason: ‘We got you a new chain saw.’” – Seth Meyers

“And the worst part is that Ted Cruz sang it sexy like Marilyn Monroe.” – Jordan Klepper

“Trump’s birthday should be fun. The last time people gathered to say ‘Are you 1? Are you 2? Are you 3?’ they were counting guilty verdicts.” - Jimmy Fallon

On Trump's first meeting with his New York probation officer
“Things got off to a rough start when Trump offered the probation officer $130,000.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Unlike the vast majority of felons out there, Trump was allowed to do his interview at Mar-a-Lago over a video conference call. Must make the mandatory drug test kind of difficult — hard to get the pee right into the USB port.” - Stephen Colbert

“The final probation report will remain sealed, but one thing probation folks usually ask convicts is about their employment. [imitating probation officer] ‘OK, Mr. Trump, it says here you got fired from your last job for being, uh, terrible at it and for — is this correct? This is right here — and for trying to kill a Mr. Mike Pence? Oh, but I see down here you are actually currently applying for a new job, which is the same job. OK. Have you thought about learning to code?’”  - Stephen Colbert

On Trump vetting potential VP Picks
Jimmy Fallon wished the hopefuls luck, saying, “It’s like signing up to be the babysitter in ‘The Exorcist.’”

“You’ve got to appreciate the irony of a convicted felon running a background check.” - Jimmy Fallon

“My question is, what can they possibly dig up that would be a red flag for Trump? It’s like [imitating Trump] ‘This person only committed arson -- not a deal-breaker.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“One source said that Trump’s VP pick could be influenced by the fact that he likes people who are rich and have hot wives. Well, at least he’s taking this seriously.” - Jimmy Fallon

On Convicted Felon Trump
“Former President Trump has been found guilty on all 34 charges in his criminal hush money trial and faces up to four years in prison. Well, for what it’s worth, all your friends are already there, you know? It’s like what my wife tells me on our way to a dinner party: ‘Don’t worry — you’ll know people.’” – Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Trump was found guilty. They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Just because there’s ample evidence and a jury believes it, anyone could now be found guilty. Do we really want to live in an America where the law is applied equally regardless of how rich you are?” asked Stephen Colbert. “We might now be facing a situation where if you can’t do the time, and I can’t believe I’m saying this: Don’t do the crime.”

“The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he’s sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, ‘Four more years!’” - Jimmy Fallon

“Trump will be sentenced on July 11, and his lawyers told him, ‘You should get your affairs in order.’ Trump was like, ‘That’s what got me in trouble in the first place.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, former President Trump was found guilty last week on 34 counts of falsifying business records and faces up to 4 years in jail and a $5,000 fine. And I think I speak for all of us when I say, you can waive the fine.” – Seth Meyers

Have a good weekend!

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