DemDaily: A Little Political Humor! Our Monthly Roundup

May 24, 2024

To remind us to laugh.

On newly unsealed files from the 2022 FBI search of Mar-a-Lago that showed FBI agents were authorized to use deadly force if necessary.

“Which is standard operating procedure, whenever the FBI execute a search warrant,” said Jimmy Kimmel, “but in the MAGA-verse, it is a plot to kill Donald Trump.”

Conservatives reacted with outrage, calling it an assassination attempt, with Trump writing in a campaign email, “Joe Biden was locked and loaded ready to take me out and put my family in danger.”

“‘Locked and loaded’? ‘Ready to take me out’? I’ve never heard Joe Biden sound so [expletive] cool in my life.” - Michael Kosta

“According to a new report, Trump’s attorneys found classified documents in his bedroom four months after the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago. The lawyers knew Trump was hiding something when they saw a box labeled ‘books.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing more shocking to find in Donald Trump’s bedroom would be a current wife...Now, to be fair, Trump rarely goes into his bedroom. As we’ve recently learned, he does most of his sleeping in court.” - Stephen Colbert

On Trump's recent campaign ad posted on Truth Social
“OK, if you zoom in, you can see they slipped in the words ‘A Unified Reich.’ A Fourth Reich, if you will.The good news is Trump wants to bring the country together. The bad news is that country is Germany in 1933.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Evidently, MAGA now stands for ‘Make America Germany Around 1938.’” - Stephen Colbert

“When they saw the ad, even Confederate statues were, like, ‘You should take that down.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“What else does this man have to do for people to see what he is? Grow the mustache?” - Jimmy Kimmel

On Trump's Peanut Gallery
Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert were the latest Republican lawmakers to show up in support of former President Donald Trump at his criminal trial in New York.

Seth Meyers joked that “sitting front row at the Trump trial must be like the MAGA version of sitting courtside at a Knicks game.”

“Well, I get it. It’s good publicity for Boebert and good practice for Gaetz.”

“If you’re on trial for a criminal charge where character is central to the case, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert aren’t exactly the role models you want with you in the room. That’s like if O.J.’s buddy at his trial were Charles Manson, Hannibal Lecter.”  - Seth Meyers

“Seriously, this is how grimy and pathetic the Republican Party has become. The only thing sadder than having to sit in a dreary New York City courtroom for your porn-star-hush-money trial is sitting in a dreary New York City courtroom for someone else’s porn-star hush money.”

“Seriously, there are more Republican members of Congress at Trump’s criminal trial than there at the Capitol. Just going to throw this out there: Might be a good day to storm it.” - Seth Meyers

On Trump's hush-money trial
“Former President Trump appeared to fall asleep yesterday during Michael Cohen’s testimony for a full half-hour. Again? You know, I was excited for this trial, but it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure Trump is well rested before the election.” – Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Michael Cohen testified that Trump once asked him how long he’d be single if Melania were to leave him, proclaiming, ‘Not long.’ On the market? Not long? You’re a 78-year-old psychopath with massive debt. That’s not a market, that’s a lost-and-found bin.” – Seth Meyers

“Coincidentally, ‘not long’ is how Stormy described it.” – Stephen Colbert

“But it’s true — he would be off the market soon. I mean, he is clearly past his expiration date.” – Stephen Colbert

“During his testimony today, Cohen also said that he was never paid for early legal work he did for Trump. Of course not! He doesn’t pay his lawyers, he doesn’t pay his contractors. There’s really only one way to get paid by Donald Trump, and it is not worth it.” – Seth Meyers

On Trump’s defense attorneys cross-examination of Stormy Daniels
"Trump’s attorneys accused Stormy Daniels of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. “[imitating Trump] And for more on why it’s so wrong to be a sleazy money-grubbing merch seller, please buy my God Bless America Donald Trump Bible.” – Stephen Colbert

“During her cross-examination, one of Trump’s lawyers asked Daniels, ‘You made all this up, right?’ A strategy that immediately backfired when Trump yelled, ‘No, she didn’t! We had sex!’” – Seth Meyers

“The cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Ahead of Stormy Daniels’s testimony, one of the prosecutors told Judge Juan Merchan that Daniels will not describe Trump’s genitalia because it would violate the gag order.” – Seth Meyers

“The judge said Stormy could testify about her sexual relationship with Trump, but ‘We don’t need to know the details.’ And see, now that’s where I have to object. Yes, we do need to know the details. Some of us are trying to host a show here, OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel

"She said they had sex in the missionary position, and that Trump told her she reminded him of his daughter. Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right?” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she and Trump had sex ‘in missionary position.’ ‘Don’t even think about it!’ shouted Judge Merchan to the sketch artist.” – Seth Meyers

“Stormy Daniels testified that she spanked Trump with a rolled-up magazine that had his face on the cover. And I think it’s weird that the hotel even had a copy of ‘Bankruptcy Aficionado.’” – Seth Meyers

“That poor, poor magazine. Hasn’t print media suffered enough?” – Jordan Klepper

“There it is, his presidential legacy.” – Stephen Colbert

On Justice Alito's (wife's) flag
Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has come under fire after photos showed an upside-down American flag flying in front of his Virginia home shortly after the insurrection on January 6, 2021.

"The is no possible reason for a Supreme Court justice displaying a symbol of insurrection at his home, which is why, when this photo was published, Alito immediately did the right thing, owned up and blamed his wife.” - Stephen Colbert

“So he dropped a dime on his gal, citing the landmark case of ‘Me Just Tryna Live My Life v. Ladies Be Crazy, Amirite?’”- Stephen Colbert

“So, Alito clearly knew about this because he came and went for several days, and, to paraphrase my favorite spangled banner, ‘The flag was still there.’” - Stephen Colbert

“By the way, if you didn’t like those jokes, they were my wife’s idea. I just came home, and the jokes were there. I had nothing to do with those jokes.” - Stephen Colbert

On Biden and Trump's forthcoming presidential debates
“The debate over debating is finally over. Just like that, they’re going head to head, toe to toe, mano a mango.” - Stephen Colbert

“Yeah, Trump agreed to the debate. He said, ‘I’ll be there, assuming it’s OK with my parole officer.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“Trump jumped right on the offer, posting, ‘Just tell me when — I’ll be there. Let’s get ready to rumble!’ Rumble? I’ve seen your rallies. I think you mean, ‘Let’s get ready to ramble.’” - Stephen Colbert

“The first debate will be next month, which is the earliest a presidential debate has ever been, and, if we’re being honest, an early-bird debate feels right for these guys.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Biden and Trump will meet June 27 on CNN, and one of Biden’s debate conditions was not having an audience, so that explains why it’s on CNN.”  - Jimmy Fallon

“It’s really quite something to challenge your opponent to a debate anytime, anywhere, anyplace while you're standing behind barricades at a mandatory court appearance for your criminal trial.” – Seth Meyers

Have a good weekend!

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