DemDaily: A Little Political Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!

April 26, 2024

To remind us to laugh.

Not Right Enough
Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson is facing significant backlash from conservatives after pushing to advance an aid package for Ukraine.

“Somehow Mike Johnson, a man who called Planned Parenthood part of an ‘American holocaust,’ isn’t right-wing enough for these people.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“They formed what they call a ‘Floor Action Response Team’ or F-A-R-T for short. So, you know these are very serious people.’” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Being the Speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend -- you hang on as long as you can.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Mike Johnson -- a climate change-denying, homophobic religious fanatic -- knows that getting Ukraine these weapons is the right thing to do and even though his party is terrified of Jell-O Putin-lover Trump, he’s doing it anyway, and that’s why they’re going to destroy him. They can’t have that! If they let him do the right thing on Ukraine, he might do the right thing on other stuff. It’s a very slippery slope.”- Jimmy Kimmel

On Trump's defiant violation of his Gag Order
“This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money?” - Jordan Klepper

“He violated the gag order during a hearing about whether he violated the gag order!” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Judge Merchan told Trump lead attorney Todd Blanche that his arguments didn’t make sense…and that he was losing ‘all credibility with the court.’ To his credit, Blanche fired back: ‘Your honor, I lost all credibility when I agreed to represent Donald Trump! That is not an issue.’” – Jimmy Kimmel

On the jury selection for Trump's hush money trial
Jimmy Kimmel called it “another Stormy day in New York in the new episode of ‘The Orange People’s Court’ today starring Donald J. Trump as the defendant in his first of many criminal trials to come.”

“Now yesterday, more than half the group was excused for telling the judge they could not be fair and impartial. That’s pretty vague -- might as well ask ‘Who wants to leave?’” - Stephen Colbert

"I wouldn’t blame them. After all, the job description is ‘Wanted: impartial juror, four days a week, $40 a day, benefits include free Wi-Fi and unlimited death threats.’” - Stephen Colbert

“At that rate, they’re going to burn through every available New Yorker. By the end, the jury’s going to include a Times Square Buzz Lightyear, 40 rats in a trench coat, and Lin Manuel Miranda.” - Stephen Colbert

“Each prospective juror had to answer questions about what they think about Trump, which meant he had to sit there and listen to comments like, ‘I wouldn’t believe Trump if his tongue were notarized.’ You know, that woman did not get picked as a juror, but I would like to hire her as a writer if she’s interested.” - Jimmy Kimmel

"[Trump’s] got thick skin. He’s basically a hunk of beef jerky with a layer of bronzer.” - Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday was a surprisingly productive court session because they picked seven jurors. I was not one of them. And while their identities will be kept secret, we’ve learned a little about them, like Juror No. 4, who said of the ex-president, ‘I find him fascinating and mysterious. [imitating juror] Like when he says he wants to shoot protesters and jail his opponents, what does he mean? I can fix him.’” - Stephen Colbert

“‘Fascinating and mysterious’? He’s not a Chanel fragrance,” said Dulce Sloan. “And this dude is the least mysterious person in life. He tells us everything he’s thinking. I know the names of all the people he’s had sex with. Like the only mysterious thing about him is what animal they made his wig out of.”

“They had a really productive day today. Matter of fact, right before I came out here to do the show, we learned that a full jury has now been picked for Donald Trump’s New York trial. Plus, one alternate has been seated, too. So 13 — also known as a Stormy dozen.” - Stephen Colbert

On Trump's failed efforts to delay the trial
“His only move left is to have sex with everyone in the court and pay them $130,000 to keep their mouth shut,” said Jimmy Kimmel. “You know what they say: If at first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth or tenth you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.”

“Trump has tried everything. He even requested a delay so he could mourn the loss of O.J.” - Jimmy Fallon

Seth Meyers pointed out that Trump had spent $100 million -- or $230,000 a day -- on legal bills for his combined court cases. “First of all, it’s very funny that you have to pay all the lawyers for all your criminal trials through something called Save America. Save America from what, you?”

On Trump's Trial
Jon Stewart mocked the media’s obsessive coverage of Trump’s arrival in court: “He arrived at the intersection of American history, where he put a quarter in the parking meter of destiny, leaving the car, looking to avoid stepping in the urine puddle of jurisprudence.”

“Seriously, are we going to follow this guy to court every [expletive] day? Are you trying to make this O.J.? It’s not a chase -- he’s commuting.” - Jon Stewart

“The trial began at 10 a.m. with the court clerk announcing, ‘The People of the State of New York vs. Donald J. Trump,’ followed by 15 minutes of thunderous applause.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“‘The People of the State of New York?’ That’s us!” - Stephen Colbert

“The trial is expected to last six weeks -- or until the courtroom sketch artist runs out of orange, whichever comes first.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“On his way out of the courthouse, Groper Cleveland stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there… Someone should knit him a little pair of mittens to wear into court.” - Jimmy Kimmel

Trump’s old pal and former publisher of the National Enquirer David Pecker was a witness. “Pecker described what he called a ‘mutually beneficial relationship’ with Trump. It’s weird, the only faithful relationship Trump’s ever been in is with the National Enquirer.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“He testified that to help Trump win the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about Trump and then bury them. And what a good job he did -- I can’t think of a single Trump scandal.” - Jordan Klepper

On Trump snoozing in court
“Yesterday, Trump fell asleep during the proceedings — he took a little white power nap. But today he was sharp, focused and he fell asleep again.” - Stephen Colbert

“The Trump campaign also pushed back on reports that he fell asleep in court yesterday. They said that was ‘fake snooze.’” - Jimmy Kimmel

“He’s very sleepy. Is it possible his lawyers are tranquilizing him to keep the outbursts at a minimum?” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump must have snoozed for a while, because the court sketch artist had time to draw him. Well, I think we found a new mascot for Celestial Seasonings Sleepy Crime Tea.” - Stephen Colbert

“The city that never sleeps versus the defendant who keeps nodding off during the trial.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“As he should. I mean, he’s been up since 2am rage-tweeting. He needs his anger sleep.” - Jon Stewart

“Imagine if Joe Biden fell asleep in the court on the first day of his trial. Trump would be calling him ‘Comatose Joe.’ Fox News would be talking about this until Christmas. But not old Donny Nappleseed.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“If Biden is Sleepy Joe, I guess that makes you Dozo the Clown.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Imagine committing so many crimes you get bored at your own trial.” - Jon Stewart

“Multiple reports said Trump’s head drooped until his chin hit his chest, which, I don’t know, maybe he was just following the price of his Truth Social stock. Either way, it’s nice to see even Donald Trump is exhausted by Donald Trump.” - Jimmy Kimmel

Have a good weekend!

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