DemDaily: A Little Political Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!

February 16, 2024

To remind us to laugh.

On Tom Suozzi winning the special election to replace expelled Republican Congressman George Santos
Jimmy Kimmel congratulated Suozzi on his win, saying, “You have some very big clown shoes to fill.”

“You guys remember George Santos? Congressman, alleged felon, Sephora platinum member, Nobel laureate, Olympic gold medalist, Clark Kent having allergic reaction and Super Bowl M.V.P.?” – Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Tom Suozzi is replacing George Santos, and just from looking at their resumes, the two of them are pretty different. For instance, under education, Suozzi put, ‘B.A. from Boston College.’ Santos put, ‘Ph.D. from Hogwarts.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“It’s weird when you know nothing about someone but still know they’re an improvement.” – Jimmy Fallon

On Trump nominating his daughter-in-law Lara for RNC Co-Chair
“Oh man, poor Eric,” Jimmy Kimmel said about Trump’s son. “His wife got more compliments in one post than his father gave him in his entire life so far.”

“Yep, that had to be an awkward phone call. It’s like, ‘[imitating Trump] Eric, I need a smart family member for this job -- put your wife on the phone.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“In the same statement, former President Trump said that his daughter-in-law Lara Trump should be the co-chair of the R.N.C. and that her husband Eric should be ‘ambassador to wherever’s farthest.’” – Seth Meyers

“They’re entrusting the party’s future to the wise judgment of someone who married Eric.” - Jimmy Fallon

“When asked how he landed on Lara, Trump was like, ‘Ivanka said no.’” - Jimmy Fallon

On the Supreme Court hearings on removing Trump from the ballot in Colorado for violating the insurrection clause
In a radio interview from Mar-a-Lago, “without any sense of irony or self-awareness,” said Seth Meyers, Trump “claimed it would be an attack on democracy to remove him from the ballot for attacking democracy.”

“That’s what you did. That’s why this case is happening in the first place. It’s like if O.J. had gotten up in court and said, ‘If you put me in jail, you’ll be murdering my freedom!’” - Seth Meyers

“First up, did you know that Trump’s legal team has been prepping for months? Also, they’re making an album called ‘The Tortured Lawyers Department.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Trump’s lawyers have also pointed out that the 14th Amendment says, ‘People who engaged in an insurrection cannot hold office’ — it doesn’t say they can’t run for office. But the point of running for office is to hold office. Unless you’re Nikki Haley. We’re not sure what her point is.” – Stephen Colbert

“So, if you’re in a fantasy league for presidential indictments, it’s still Trump, 91; every other president ever, zero.” – Stephen Colbert

On Nikki Haley placing a distant second to the “none of these candidates” category in the Nevada caucus
“Nikki Haley’s campaign message is ‘Nobody’s better than me,’ and Nevada agreed,” said Stephen Colbert. “She also lost to Nevada candidates ‘Not feelin’ it today’ and ‘Gonna be a no from me, dawg.’”

“You know how they say, ‘You’re second to none?’ She finished second to none.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I like the idea that people took time to wait in line to vote for ‘None of these candidates.’ That’s like going to the Wendy’s drive-through and yelling, ‘Nothing for me, thanks!’” – Jimmy Kimmel

“I don’t know what the opposite of momentum is, but I know Haley’s got it.” - Seth Meyers

On a federal appeals court rejecting Trump’s immunity claim from criminal charges related to subverting the 2020 election
“OK, so he doesn’t have immunity, but after all these trials, he must have built up some antibodies.” - Seth Meyers

“Trump’s campaign said that he respectfully disagrees with the ruling. Although, if Trump knew to respectfully disagree with a loss, he wouldn’t be on trial in the first place.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, he will now appeal to the Supreme Court, which is the legal equivalent of, ‘Well, then, I want to speak to your manager.’” - Jimmy Kimmel

“The Supreme Court hasn’t announced if they’ll hear the case, but Clarence Thomas announced that he’d like an Apple Vision Pro and Super Bowl tickets if they do.” – Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new CNN poll, a majority of Americans want to see a verdict in the January 6 case before they vote in the election. It’s vitally important that we find out whether the former president did what we all saw him do on television or not.” - Jimmy Kimmel

On Trump picking a fight with Taylor Swift insisting that he is more popular and his fans “are more committed than hers.”
“This fight he’s about to pick with Taylor Swift, this might be what does it,” said Jimmy Kimmel. “It won’t be January 6, it won’t be the election fraud or the sexual assault or dancing with Jeffrey Epstein, or even fathering Don Jr. What’s finally going to bring down Donald Trump will be an army of pissed-off Swifties.”

“I’m not sure Trump has more committed fans, but he definitely has more fans who have been committed.” – Jimmy Fallon

“If Taylor Swift told her fans to storm the Capitol on January 6, they would have succeeded. They would be running the country right now.” - Jimmy Kimmel

On Nikki Haley refusing to drop out of the race
"Trump is still furious about it. Yep, Haley’s worried if she quits she’ll be humiliated or, worse, Trump’s V.P.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Wow, what does ‘barred from the MAGA camp’ even mean? Like, what, you’re not invited to the next insurrection?” - Jimmy Kimmel

“If you’re wondering what MAGA camp is, it’s like Boy Scout camp, except the badges are for things like tax evasion, election fraud, lying about your golf score.” - Seth Meyers

“At this point, Haley knows she can’t win, but she’s having way too much fun watching Trump lose his mind.” - Jimmy Fallon

In the New Hampshire primary, “Trump defeated Nikki Haley 54% to 43%. It’s the very first time he’s ever been happy to see a woman in her 40s.” - Stephen Colbert

Trump was visibly upset Nikki Haley gave a speech as if she won. “[imitating Trump] How dare she act like she won when she lost? I mean, what kind of maniac pretends they won when they really lost?” - Stephen Colbert

Jimmy Kimmel said that voters had a tough choice between “the woman who would become their party’s first-ever female nominee for president or the first guy on trial for defamation related to sexual assault.”

“Haley had a unique advantage in New Hampshire because, like the state, her initials are ‘N.H.,’ which now stand for ‘not happening.’” - Jimmy Kimmel

“So now the field has been narrowed down to Nikki Haley and nobody else, living every woman’s nightmare: being left alone with Donald Trump.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“This country dumped Donald Trump and we are never ever getting back together.” - Stephen Colbert

Have a good weekend!

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