DemDaily: A Little Political Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!

January 19, 2024

To remind us to laugh.

On Trump winning the Iowa Caucus
The big news is that Donald Trump won the Iowa caucus with 51% of the vote. Iowa: apparently, short for ‘I-o-wanna live in a democracy anymore.’” - Stephen Colbert

“If you’ve ever wondered what is the polar opposite of MLK. Day, it is the Iowa Republican caucus,” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Even though he barely spent any time in Iowa, it somehow made voters love him more. It’s the same strategy he used raising Eric and Don Jr.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Experts have been saying for months that Trump would win over 50% of the vote. These Iowa caucuses were the political version of ‘This could have been an email.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“So the DeSantis train is steaming on to New Hampshire, where he is currently polling at 5%. But don’t give up, Ron, because when asked which candidate they preferred, 2% refused to answer. If they’re ashamed to say it out loud, that’s a DeSantis voter.” - Stephen Colbert

On the debate and dropouts
The fifth presidential debate, between Haley and DeSantis, took place five days before the Iowa Caucus. Just hours before the debate, former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie dropped out of presidential race.

““He made this tough decision after looking at the polls and realizing it was an easy decision.” - Stephen Colbert

"There’s nobody fun left to watch. It’s like a box of Lucky Charms without the marshmallows now.”  - Jimmy Kimmel

“Of course, Chris Christie was the most high-profile and consistent critic of Trump still in the Republican primary — unlike Ron DeSantis, whose campaign slogan is ‘Ron DeSantis: Trump 2024.’” - Stephen Colbert

“It all comes down to this. After tonight, it’ll become clearer who will more not be the nominee.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, it’s just Haley and DeSantis -- it’s like when you go to a concert, and the only original band members are the bass player and the guy on the tambourine.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Why are they even letting them debate? This is like what happens between innings at a baseball game when they let the guys in the hot dog costumes race each other.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Right now, the Republican primary is like when you go to the grocery store and they have those shopping carts that are shaped like cars so the kids can pretend they’re driving,” - Stephen Colbert

Following the debate, tech entrepreneur Vivek Ramawswamy dropped out of the presidential race and endorsing Trump, appearing at a New Hampshire rally the following night.

“Everyone was on the edge of their seat just to hear how Trump would pronounce Vivek Ramaswamy.” - Jimmy Fallon

"After Ramaswamy ended his speech, he welcomed Trump to the stage with an awkward and lengthy embrace. “I didn’t know if they were hugging or burping each other.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Stop the hug! Stop the hug!” - Stephen Colbert

On Trump's Civil Trial
The judge initially denied Trump’s request to speak during closing arguments. “But, as 27 women can tell you, Trump doesn’t take no for an answer.” - Stephen Colbert

After his attorneys persisted, “the judge let Trump speak on the condition that he stick to the law and facts, two things people on trial for fraud are famously great at.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Before he allowed Trump to address the court, Judge Arthur Engoron asked, ‘Do you promise to just comment on the facts and the law?’ Good luck. That’s like asking Jake, ‘Do you promise you won’t talk about State Farm?’” - Seth Meyers

“The judge overseeing his civil fraud trial allowed Trump to speak for five minutes after his legal team finished their closing arguments, and now he’s facing 11 more counts of fraud.” - Seth Meyers

Stephen Colbert noted that Trump had been saying “a lot of crazy stuff about this trial” and hoped he might “also say crazy stuff during the trial” for the late night host’s own amusement.

“Unfortunately, the judge rescinded permission for Trump to give his own closing argument. Boo! I knew Justice was blind; I didn’t know she was a buzzkill.” - Stephen Colbert

“Don’t worry, as a comedian, I immediately filed an appeal: ‘Your honor, please, that would get us through February. I mean, come on. Think about our jobs.’” - Jimmy Fallon

On Trump's "Violent Overthrow of the Government"
Trump attended a court hearing in Washington, DC where his lawyer argued for presidential immunity for what Stephen Colbert called “the violent overthrow of the government one.”

“Trump spends so much time in court, the sketch artists are running out of orange pastels.”- Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is in court so often he enrolled in PreCheck so he can zip through security.” - Jimmy Fallon

“During the hearing, Trump appeared visibly agitated and several times he abruptly became anxious and upset. Eventually, his lawyer handed him an iPad that was playing his favorite episode of ‘Bluey.’” - Jimmy Fallon

The judge pressed Trump’s lawyer on whether presidential immunity would extend to cases such as ordering special forces to kill a political rival.

“To recap: Trump’s lawyers are arguing that the president, who is currently Joe Biden, could order SEAL Team Six to assassinate his political rival, who is currently Donald Trump.

“So to recap -- or to re-recap -- Trump and his lawyers are arguing that the president ought to be able to murder his political opponents and then cannot be prosecuted unless he gets impeached. Our commander in chief has godlike powers over life and death as long as his party controls the Senate -- and I just wanna say, please vote.” - Stephen Colbert

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