DemDaily: A Little Political Humor! Our Monthly Roundup

November 30, 2023

To remind us to laugh.

On the third GOP Debate
...described by Jimmy Fallon as 'unhinged.' "Oh, yeah, there was name-calling, wild rants and personal attacks. Even Trump was watching like, ‘Game recognize game.’”

“Chris Christie, Ron DeSantis, Nikki Haley, Vivek Ramaswamy and Tim Scott -- it’s a Who’s Who of who has no chance to beat Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But for these five Republicans, the stakes were higher than the lifts in a pair of Ron DeSantis’s boots.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It does seem that Ron DeSantis may be wearing heels. I tell you what, throw in a tube of lipstick, and suddenly it’s illegal to teach kids in Florida public schools about their own governor.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“During the debate, Vivek Ramaswamy criticized Nikki Haley’s foreign policy views and said she was ‘Dick Cheney in three-inch heels.’ ‘Hey, I’m right here,’ said Ron DeSantis.” – Seth Meyers

“Ramaswamy is so insufferable. He should just lean into it, you know? He should say, ‘Make me president so I can annoy our enemies for America.’ Like, he’ll have one meeting with Vladimir Putin, and 20 minutes later Putin will mysteriously kill himself.” – Sarah Silverman

“Then, the moderator tried to calm things down. He was like, ‘Nikki, Vivek, remember, none of you are going to be president.’” - Jimmy Fallon

Without Trump’s participation, Jimmy Kimmel predicted that no one would tune in, saying, “The GOP ‘dopefuls’ were just happy to be on television.”

“Whatever you think about Trump, Republican debates are kind of meaningless without him. It’s like a football game without Taylor Swift.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Chris Christie, Nikki Haley, Vivek Ramaswamy, Tim Scott and Ron DeSantis. What a lineup. It’s like if all the Avengers were Hawkeye.” - Jimmy Kimmel

Tim Scott brought his long-claimed but never-seen girlfriend to the debate to allay donor concerns about his single status. "After the debate he brought her up onstage. When asked how they met, she was like, ‘I was his Uber driver on the way over.’” - Jimmy Fallon

“Aw, that’s so sweet! Man, you look for love your whole life, and you finally find it with a respectable-looking woman just two months before the Iowa caucus. I mean, what are the odds?” - Sarah Silverman.

On the dropouts
A week after the debate, Tim Scott dropped out of the race. Jimmy Fallon joked that “everyone responded by saying, ‘That’s too bad’ and, ‘Who is that again?’”

“If you don’t know who Tim Scott is, it’s why he decided to suspend his campaign for president.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, he knew it was the right decision when absolutely no one tried to talk him out of it…But the announcement has really shaken up the race for fifth place.” - Jimmy Fallon

A week prior to the debate, former Vice President Mike Pence ended his presidential campaign, saying, “It’s become clear to me that this is not my time.”

Stephen Colbert said that Pence’s time was 1692. “His place: Salem. His job: Man Who Shoves Woman Into River to See if She’s a Witch.”

“Mike Pence officially suspended his 2024 presidential campaign, right? Which raises an interesting question: Can you stop something that never started?” - Jimmy Fallon

On election night and the polls
With the election a year away, a new poll found President Biden trailing Donald Trump in five of six swing states.

“Polling a year ahead of an election is always super-accurate -- and if you don’t believe me, just ask President Hillary Clinton.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s like after ‘The Return of the Jedi,’ the people in the galaxy were like, ‘You know, this Princess Leia is kind of a dud -- why don’t we give the Emperor another shot?’” - Jimmy Kimmel

“And what makes these poll numbers particularly shocking is that the man Biden is losing to is currently on trial in every jurisdiction in America.” – Sarah Silverman

Despite the recent polls, Democrats had a surprisingly strong election night. Yep, Republicans were like, ‘How is that possible?’ and Democrats were like, ‘No, seriously, how is that possible?’” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Americans went to the polls, and now we’re learning a lot about the new ballot measures each state approved. They’re pretty interesting. For instance, Ohio voted to legalize marijuana. Meanwhile, Indiana voted to enjoy the contact high from Ohio.” – Jimmy Fallon

You’re telling me Trump, the guy who stocked the Supreme Court with ’80s movie villains with the explicit goal of overturning Roe v. Wade, is leading the polls in Ohio, where voters overwhelmingly approved a ballot measure to protect abortion rights? This makes so little sense, even Steve Kornacki’s big board last night said ‘I give up.’” – Seth Meyers

“The fact is, abortion limits have become such a losing issue that some conservatives have purportedly decided the problem isn’t pro-life policies but the phrase ‘pro-life.’ They’re looking to rebrand it but, personally, I think they should be forced to carry this phrase to term.” – Sarah Silverman

On disgraced Congressman George Santos
A House ethics investigation revealed GOP Congressman George Santos spent campaign money on personal items like Botox, cosmetics, lavish trips to Atlantic City, and purchases on OnlyFans.

Santos has “the shopping list of a 98-year-old oil tycoon’s 20-year-old wife….Is he a congressman or a lesser Kardashian?” – Seth Meyers

“How do you spend money on lavish trips to Atlantic City? Have you been to Atlantic City? A lavish trip there just means that you don’t go home with bed bugs.” – Leslie Jones

“The report reveals that Santos ‘sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal and financial profit,’ and declares that he ‘warrants public condemnation, is beneath the dignity of the office, and has brought severe discredit upon the House.’ That is not easy to do because these days, the dignity of the House is slightly below a Golden Corral that just ran out of steak.” - Stephen Colbert

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