DemDaily: A Little Political Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!
November 15, 2024
To remind us to laugh.
On Trump Winning the Election
Late-night hosts spent Wednesday after the 2024 election processing the results and former President Donald Trump’s sweeping win.
“Yep, it’s official. America elected its first criminal president before electing its first female president. What a day for proud felonists.” - Desi Lydic on “The Daily Show”
“Instead of breaking the glass ceiling, last night America decided to get back with her dirtbag ex.” - Desi Lydic
“We’ve had two qualified, accomplished women nominated for president, and both times they lost to the worst man in the whole country.” - Desi Lydic
“Yup, Trump could be the first president to be under White House arrest.” – Jimmy Fallon
“All day yesterday, I was walking around proudly wearing my ‘I voted’ sticker. Today, I wore my ‘I am questioning my fundamental belief in the goodness of humanity’ sticker.” – Stephen Colbert
“Now, as a late-night host, people often say to me, ‘Come on, part of you has got to want Trump to win because he gives you so much material to work with.’ No, no. No one tells the guy who cleans the bathroom, ‘Wow, you must love it when someone has explosive diarrhea — there’s so much material for you to work with!’” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump is like the emperor from ‘Star Wars.’ He’s old, he’s evil and he keeps coming back with no reasonable explanation whatsoever.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Let me tell you, that was the worst Taco Tuesday of my whole life.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Trump returning to the White House is a huge historic comeback for someone who literally never went away.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Of course, Trump’s already super busy. First, he’s got to move all those classified documents back into the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon
“My only request to President-elect Trump is that he let me share a prison cell with Taylor Swift.” - Jimmy Kimmel
“Nancy Pelosi was so enraged by Trump’s victory, her eyebrows moved to Canada.” - Greg Gutfield
“According to Google, searches for 'moving to Canada' skyrocketed during the election -- up by 5,000%. Now it’s just Melania doing it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Moving to Canada after an election we don’t like is one of those things Americans are always saying we’re going to do but never actually go through with it, like when you tell the vet you’re going to brush your dog’s teeth.” – Jimmy Kimmel
"And it’s not just Canada: Searches for ‘moving to Mexico’ also spiked as the results started coming in -- probably from Canadians looking to get away from all the Americans.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’ve never been one of those girls that melts for a foreign accent, but now I think my type is anyone with a different passport than me...look, obviously other countries have problems, too, but at least they have two-day workweeks and red wine for breakfast.” - Taylor Tomlinson
On Trump's Cabinet Nominees
“There are many theories as to why Trump is naming a battalion of bozos to do these very important jobs. Some believe he’s testing the Republican Congress to see how far he can push them. Some say he’s doing this strategically to weaken certain sections of the government. Or, and this is the theory that I believe, he’s dumb.” – Jimmy Kimmel
Elon Musk, who has been promised a post, seems to have the president-elect’s ear; posting on X, “I’m happy to be First Buddy!” Since the election, Trump’s been getting something that Elon’s 11 children will never receive: his full attention,” - Jordan Klepper
“Oh, good. Good! The world’s richest man is helping the president-elect run the country. I’m sure by the time Elon’s done, his businesses will be unregulated, he’ll have billions in new government contracts, and it’ll be illegal to point and laugh at a Cybertruck.” – Jordan Klepper
“‘First Buddy’ sounds like a sequel to ‘Air Bud’ where we elect a golden retriever to be president — which, frankly, I’d take at this point. Looks nice. It looks nice! Just keep it away from Kristi Noem, you know?” – Jordan Klepper
Trump is choosing Kristi Noem, the governor famous for shooting her puppy, to run the Department of Homeland Security.
“Kristi Noem shouldn’t be in charge of a PetSmart, let alone homeland security.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“She’s supposed to get the border under control? She couldn’t even train her dog.” – Jordan Klepper
“Noem has an impressive résumé. She was a Congresswoman, a Governor, and during the campaign, she was Trump’s most trusted backup dancer.” - Jimmy Fallon, playing a video of Noem dancing next to Trump onstage
“I know, I know -- it’s important not to focus on that one time Kristi Noem shot a dog, because it’s just as important to remember that she also shot and killed her family’s goat.” – Stephen Colbert
Trump's choice for Secretary of Health and Human Services is Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a former presidential candidate, anti-vaccine activist and conspiracy theorist known for strange encounters with worms in his head.
Stephen Colbert advised his booing audience to keep an open mind, “because that’s how the worm gets in.”
“And who better to be in charge of health and humans than a guy whose brain was partially devoured by a worm?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Trump originally wanted a doctor in that role. Turns out the late, great Hannibal Lecter isn’t a real person, so.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If you’ve been feeling under the weather since the election, don’t worry — pretty soon, everyone else will be sick, too.” – Jordan Klepper
“So, R.F.K. Jr. is now in charge of our health, exactly what everyone voted for. Surely, this will lower the price of eggs.” - Stephen Colbert
“During the campaign, I thought if Trump won, he would do the worst things I could imagine. Turns out, I don’t have much of an imagination.” - Stephen Colbert
“Trump announced on Truth Social his pick of Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz to be his Attorney General. Even crazier: Gaetz’s girlfriend just got Class President.” – Seth Meyers
On the embattled Gaetz, who is under several investigations: “You know, in a lot of jobs, being investigated for sex trafficking in underage girls would hurt your chance for advancement, but in the Trump administration, you can list it on your résumé under ‘special skills.’” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Matt Gaetz as Attorney General -- this is a new low. I mean, not as low as our age-of-consent laws are about to be, but pretty low...Quick question: the Department of Justice isn’t within 100 feet of a school, is it?” – Jordan Klepper
On Trump's pick of Fox News Host Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense...
“Now, if you’re fortunate enough not to spend your life watching Fox News, and you’re wondering if Pete Hegseth is one of the few responsible journalists on there, he’s not.” – Jordan Klepper
“Trump wrote, ‘With Pete at the helm, America’s enemies are on notice.’ Of course, they’re on it. There’s nothing more intimidating than a morning talk show host. It’s why Regis was so valuable to J.F.K. during the Cuban missile crisis.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This guy is a weekend host on ‘Fox & Friends’ — he didn’t even make it to the Monday show.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If we have a war on a weekday, he won’t know what to do.” - Stephen Colbert
On a final note
“While the other shows took the night off, “The Daily Show” with Jon Stewart went live Election Night with “Indecision 2024: Nothing We Can Do About It Now.”
“Here’s what we know, is that we don’t really know anything, and that we’re going to come out of this election and we are going to make all kind of pronouncements about what this country is and what this world is, and the truth is, we’re not really going to know [expletive], and we’re going to make it seem like this is the finality of our civilization.
"And this is the thing — we are all going to have to wake up tomorrow morning and work like hell to move the world to the place that we prefer it to be, and I just want to point out -- just as a matter of perspective -- that the lessons that our pundits take away from these results that they will pronounce with certainty will be wrong, and we have to remember that.
“But this isn’t the end! I promise you, this is not the end. And we have to regroup, and we have to continue to fight and continue to work day in and day out to create the better society for our children, for this world, for this country that we know is possible. It’s possible.” - Jon Stewart
Have a good weekend!
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