DemDaily: A Little Humor! Our Monthly Roundup

May 19, 2023

To remind us to laugh.

On who will be the Republican front-runner for president
“We’re still a year and a half away, so a lot could change. Like, I don’t know, the Republican nominee could be running while under house arrest.” - Seth Meyers

“Ron DeSantis was supposed to help the GOP move past the former president, but he has one big political liability: He’s Ron DeSantis.” - Stephen Colbert

“A Biden-versus-Trump rematch is like a book club you feel obligated to attend even though everyone there annoys the [expletive] out of you.” - Seth Meyers

“At this point, the Biden-Trump rematch just feels like your six-month checkup at the dentist. Like, when they ask you when you want to come back, you want to say ‘Never’ but, you know you just have to pick a random Tuesday in November and get it over with.” - Seth Meyers

On FOX settling the Dominion Voting Systems defamation lawsuit for $787.5 million -- to avoid a trial.
“I want my trial! I want it! You were supposed to provide me six weeks of delicious content! I wanted to see Rupert Murdoch put his hand on the Bible and burst into flames!” – Stephen Colbert

“I am glad that there is some accountability here. But still, I am pretty disappointed we are not going to get a trial, because all the Fox anchors would have been forced to testify. It would have been like the ‘Seinfeld’ finale, but instead of soup Nazis, it’s just Nazis.” – Jordan Klepper, guest host of “The Daily Show”

“Fox News has to pay Dominion nearly $800 million. It’s so much money, they’ve already started selling ad space on Tucker Carlson’s forehead.” - James Corden

“Immediately after the settlement, Fox issued a statement that said, ‘This settlement reflects Fox’s commitment to the highest journalistic standards.’ They’re already lying in their statement about lying.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s going to take a lot of reverse mortgage ads to pay that one off.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“This massive settlement was the number one story on every single cable news network except one. Take a guess.” – Stephen Colbert

“This is a huge hit to Fox’s bottom line, although it’s not clear if insurance will cover some of Fox’s liability. Of course, Fox has to have liability insurance to insure their ability to lie.” – Stephen Colbert

“Dominion also has a defamation case against Rudy Giuliani, also for $1.3 billion. That’s a lot, man. They are suing Rudy for everything he’s got, which at this point, I believe, is a stolen CVS shopping cart full of empty merlot bottles and a jar full of spare teeth.” – Stephen Colbert

On FOX firing Tucker Carlson
Some people aren’t sure what led to his exit, but Fox says they can think of almost of a billion reasons why.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And we still don’t know exactly what led Rupert Murdoch to fire his network’s biggest star, but, reportedly, he was concerned over Carlson’s conspiracy theories about Jan. 6. So let this be a lesson to everybody: If you try to topple America’s democracy, you can stay on TV for two more years and that’s it!” – Desi Lydic, guest host of “The Daily Show”

“I have no idea why he got fired. Fox had no problem with his cruelty, racism and paranoid conspiracy theories, so I doubt he got fired for that. I mean, firing Tucker for racism now -- after tolerating it for so long -- would be like canceling ‘Sesame Street’ because you just found out they were puppets.” - Seth Meyers

“Fox News executives reportedly have a dossier of dirt on him. Yeah, to keep him from attacking the network. That’s right, they apparently have him saying the most vile things you can imagine, and the way they compiled it -- and this is genius -- is by turning on his television show and pressing record.” – Desi Lydic

“Wow, good for Tucker. Even though he’s isolated in a remote cabin somewhere, he’s still getting his message out, just like the Unabomber.” - Desi Lydic

“Man, when Fox cuts ties with someone, they cut ties. That’s the Fox News version of rolling up someone in a carpet and throwing them in the East River.” – Seth Meyers

“But what could they have on Tucker Carlson that would embarrass him? Did he once try to buy a fuel-efficient car? I mean, does he have a collection of paintings that weren’t by Hitler?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Yep, Tucker Carlson is out. When he heard, Vladimir Putin was like, ‘Damn, we need a new P.R. guy.’” – Jimmy Fallon

“By the way, Tucker Carlson isn’t the only cable news anchor to get the ax. CNN just fired Don Lemon after 17 New Year’s Eve blackouts — sorry, years of service.” – Desi Lydic

“Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson -- for those of you who don’t follow cable news, this is like if Ronald McDonald and the Burger King got fired on the same day.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“And, honestly, with ‘Fox and Friends’ like these, who needs enemies?” – James Corden

On Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas
“Last week, we learned that Thomas had secretly accepted luxury trips from right-wing billionaire Harlan Crow. And that’s his actual name, not his ‘Game of Thrones’ cosplay character.” - Jordan Klepper

Thomas is “the Supreme Court justice who’s taken more free vacations than all the Bravo housewives combined.” - Jordan Klepper

“Crow is an arch-conservative who’s known for his assorted Nazi memorabilia and garden full of statues of the 20th century’s worst despots. It’s so impressive that they put him on the cover of ‘Hitler Homes and Goebbels.’” – Stephen Colbert

“On top of that, Clarence Thomas’s mom is still living in that house rent-free, and Harlan Crow is paying for thousands of dollars of renovations. All of which Clarence Thomas should have disclosed by law -- although, in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice.” - Jordan Klepper

Have a good weekend!

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