DemDaily: A Little Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!

April 14, 2023

To remind us to laugh.

Late night hosts had a field day with the leadup to the indictment of former President Donald Trump.

On Trump announcing his own indictment
“You’ve got to give it to him. It’s not often that everyone sends out a save-the-date for their own arrest.” - Jimmy Fallon

“You know it’s bad when a former president announces that he’s going to be arrested and the general response is, ‘For which crime?’” - James Corden

Indictments are “in the air. It’s really magical. It’s the calm before the Stormy.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“The truth is, there’s no good reason for Trump to be in any of this trouble. If Casa-no-brain had just paid Stormy Daniels the $130,000 himself out of his Pizza Hut money or whatever, he wouldn’t be in this situation." - Jimmy Kimmel

“And I’ve got to say, who would have ever thought that Donald Trump would be brought down by a porn star? All of us, right? It was pretty -- pretty predictable.” - Al Franken

On Trump's new lawyer Joe Tacopina, who Jimmy Kimmel referred to as “He-Hulk: Attorney at Law,” saying he “seems to have been born in the ashtray of Rudy Giuliani’s Lincoln Continental.”

“Ralph Macchio had better representation in ‘My Cousin Vinny’ than Donald Trump has with this man.” - Jimmy Kimmel

On waiting for the indictment
“Yeah, everyone’s still waiting to see if and when former President Trump will be indicted for hush money payments to Stormy Daniels. After all of the hype and buildup about Trump, Stormy Daniels was like, ‘Spoiler alert: Get ready to be disappointed.’” - Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Kimmel joked that the grand jury “decided to push the hearing to tomorrow to give Trump supporters time to iron their Confederate flags.”

“He’s been telling people he’s excited about the idea of getting paraded in front of cameras, like it’s a red carpet at some kind of Guilty People’s Choice Awards or something.” - Jimmy Kimmel

"Why he would make a spectacle out of being arrested, I don’t know. He’s been even asking friends if he should smile when he gets arrested. (meanwhile) Melania’s been debating whether she should play ‘Party in the U.S.A.,’ or ‘Celebration’ by Kool & the Gang.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“So just to be clear: Trump was already in trouble for stealing classified documents from the White House, and now he may have broken the law again by tricking his own lawyers into lying to the government. So Trump’s original crimes are now having their own little baby crimes. You know, they grow up and implicate you so fast, don’t they?” - Al Franken

“So look, I know there are a lot of different cases going on, and this all seems very complicated, but there is a simple explanation: Trump is a, um, a criminal. I hope that clears that up.” - Al Franken

“The grand jury in Manhattan is still out… leaving us hanging like Trump tried to do with Mike Pence. But that’s a different indictment, I think.” - Jimmy Kimmel

On the indictment
“The report is that they are going to try to negotiate his surrender. Either that, or they’ll leave a trail of Big Macs leading to the prison.” - John Leguizamo

“When she heard, Stormy Daniels was, like, ‘Oh, so this is what it feels like to be satisfied?’” - Jimmy Fallon

“Who’s going to help Don Jr. pick out his Lunchable tomorrow?” - Jimmy Kimmel

“But hey, let this be a lesson to all you kids out there, OK? If you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after, like, seven years and a full term as president.” - John Leguizamo

“And you know, I take a firm stance against mass incarceration, OK? But for this, I’m willing to make an exception. I just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer.” - John Leguizamo

On arraignment eve
“One question a lot of people are asking is: Will there be a mug shot? Well, I don’t know about of him, but here’s my mug and I will definitely be doing a few shots.” - Stephen Colbert, who brought out a bottle of bourbon for a few celebratory shots

“What if he goes to jail? He could end up the head of a violent white supremacist gang, but in prison this time.” - Stephen Colbert

“Trump’s got to provide a DNA sample, which, if you think about it, that’s kind of how he got in this mess in the first place.” - Roy Wood, Jr.

“The upside with Trump’s DNA? Now the NYPD can probably solve a bunch of cold cases from the ’80s.” - Roy Wood, Jr.

On post-arraignment
“And after his arraignment, he hauled his ass to LaGuardia, got on his private jet, flew to Mar-a-Lago, where he held an angry rally for all his cult members.” - Stephen Colbert

“It’s always nice to have a traditional post-arrest reception,” said Jimmy Fallon. Although “the whole staff looked at him like, ‘Back so soon?’”

“Former President Trump spoke last night at Mar-a-Lago following his arraignment and said, ‘I never thought anything like this could happen in America.’ Honestly, neither did I. I mean, you got away with so many crimes for so long. Trump getting arrested was like ‘Avatar 2’ -- I just figured it was never going to happen. Then it finally did, and I was like, ‘You know what? Worth the wait.’” - Seth Meyers

Have a good weekend!

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