DemDaily: A Little Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!
March 17, 2023
To remind us to laugh.
On Fox News and Frenemies
“It’s been a bad couple of weeks for the Fox Fascist & Friends,” said Stephen Colbert. “Fox News is being sued for defamation because their hosts endorsed lies about the 2020 election, while their text messages to each other prove that they knew Joe Biden won fair and square and that their guests talking about stealing the election were all crazy liars. Also, no one can invent a pillow -- they already existed!”
Of host Tucker Carlson’s texts, where he called Trump a “demonic force, a destroyer” and “I hate him passionately,” Seth Meyers said, “Oh, my God, it turns out the Trump hatred was coming from inside the house!
“Wait, wait, are you telling me Tucker Carlson is secretly sane? I would feel so betrayed if I was a Fox viewer. This is like if you joined a cult, sold all your belongings, shaved your head, moved to the desert, and then it turns out the cult leader is just, like, a Methodist.” - Seth Meyers
Fox host Sean Hannity complained about the news team’s insistence on reporting facts, writing “news destroyed us.” “Well, if it makes you feel any better Sean, you also destroyed news,” – Stephen Colbert
“To be fair, I feel like every friend group has a second group text for that one person they secretly hate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to filings in the Dominion lawsuit, the billionaire owner of Fox News, Rupert Murdoch, has been trying to keep the ex-prez off Fox for a long time now. After Jan. 6, Murdoch instructed an aide to make the former president a nonperson. He wants to make the former president persona non grata, as opposed to now, when he’s persona au gratin.” – Stephen Colbert
Chastising Murdoch for the late-in-the-game call, Seth Meyers said, “Too late, you built this…It’s easy to put a brain in Frankenstein when he’s a lifeless body strapped to a table, but good luck getting it out of his head while he’s lumbering around a golf course and interrupting weddings at Mar-a-Lago to give off-the-cuff toasts."
”At one point, Murdoch worried that Trump was going “increasingly mad,” said Stephen Colbert, wondering, “I’m just curious, Rupie – at what point in his madness might it occur to you to report that the most powerful man in the world has grown increasingly mad? I believe the scale goes: mad, increasingly mad, inciting a coup, strangling his Secret Service driver, and dinner with Kanye.”
In his deposition, Murdoch admitted under oath that election lies were knowingly endorsed by Fox hosts Sean Hannity, Jeanine Pirro, Lou Dobbs and Maria Bartiromo, collectively known as dumb, dumber, dumbest and Sean Hannity.” - Stephen Colbert
On CPAC
“In Washington, ‘the fascist and the furious’ have gathered to praise their lord and savior, Donald Trump, at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference. This is a convention for all your worst aunts and uncles.” – Stephen Colbert
“The funniest comedy special last weekend was the CPAC, or as I like to call it, crazy white people.” - Marlon Wayans, on The Daily Show
“If you don’t know about it, it’s an annual event where all the Karens and their husbands come together, and they complain about the rest of us. The Karens and the Darrens.” - Marlon Wayans
“CPAC stands for ‘Clowns Periodically Assembling in Convention Centers,” said Jimmy Kimmel, calling it “the annual gathering of the MAGA-los, A chance for the far right to get together and share crazy thoughts.”
“Every, like, low-rent radio host and podcast racist with a dye job and a fleece vest shows up to try to out-crazy each other. Remember the first seasons of ‘American Idol’ when the losers would just line up and be mowed down by Simon Cowell? It’s like that but without Simon Cowell.” - Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually, Trump’s excited to be there. He actually spent all day in the lobby signing copies of his classified documents.” – Jimmy Fallon
During a speech at CPAC, Trump declared, “I am your warrior, I am your justice, and, for those who have been wronged and betrayed, I am your retribution.” “He’s either running for president or auditioning to be the next John Wick.” – Jimmy Fallon
“He was such a terrible president, and now he’s auditioning to be Batman. Problem is, he would never respond to the bat signal…You’d have to text it to him or just shine it on Sean Hannity’s forehead.” - Seth Meyers
In her CPAC speech, Trump rival Nikki Haley doubled down on her culture war rhetoric, saying: “Wokeness is a virus more dangerous than any pandemic hands down.” “Yes, wokeness is such a dangerous virus that it apparently killed two-thirds of her audience,“ said Stephen Colbert. “CPAC actually stands for ‘crazy to put up all those chairs’.”
“It was so empty, the guy started vacuuming because he thought the event was over.” – Jimmy Fallon
Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr, also spoke to a half-empty room. “Wow, that looks less like an audience and more like the tour group at a spoon museum on a Tuesday morning. I’ve seen middle school dance recitals with a bigger audience. He looks like he’s doing an off-Broadway one-man show called The Real Cocaine Bear.” – Seth Meyers
“But this is nice: After each speech, there will be a QAnon -- I’m sorry, Q. and A.” - Jimmy Fallon
And a special note on Women’s History Month
“Today is March 1, which means it is the start of Women’s History Month. Exactly right. Yeah. Just remember, behind every great woman is a man loudly repeating her ideas.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Women’s History Month started as Women’s History Week back in 1982, and then somebody thought, you know, ‘Hey, women should probably get more time than sharks on the Discovery Channel.’” – Jimmy Fallon
“It’s an opportunity to look back at the history of women’s rights, especially this year, when so many of women’s rights are history.” – Jimmy Fallon
Have a good weekend!
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