DemDaily: A Little Humor. Our Monthly Roundup!

February 17, 2023

To remind us to laugh.

On Nikki Haley's campaign announcement
“Former Trump cabinet member Nikki Haley announced that she is running for president. Yep. She served in Trump’s cabinet, which is listed on her website in very, very small font.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Of course, any campaign veteran will tell you there is no better time to drop the biggest political news of your life than on Valentine’s Day at 6:48am…The only way this could make a smaller splash is if Haley had whispered it into a bowl of soup.” - Stephen Colbert

“But this is going to be a tough race for Nikki Haley. Right now, she’s polling at just 1%, and that’s pretty bad. I mean, you know, even Mike Pence is at 2%. Mike Pence’s noose rope is at 5%, which is V.P. material.” – Sarah Silverman

“She said she believes the Republican Party needs to go in a new direction. I think you’d have more luck convincing a swarm of moths to go in a new direction. The whole ‘towards the light’ thing isn’t really working.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Now I guess this means Trump has to come up with a mean nickname for her. 'Cuz right now he’s pacing around Mar-a-Lago going ‘Sicky Nikki? Nikki Fail-y? Oh, Nikki Epic Fail-y?’” - Jimmy Kimmel

On Biden's State of The Union
Saying the Republicans were acting like wild animals -- and she liked it -- Chelsea Handler said, “Keep this up, guys. You finally made a State of the Union watchable.”

“Marjorie Taylor Greene stood up during the screech and screamed out, ‘Liar!’ and then George Santos stood up and is like, ‘Over here!’” - Chelsea Handler

“When are they gonna put this woman on ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’?” - Chelsea Handler

“Why is she wearing a white fur coat to the State of the Union address? She looks like an old rapper’s first wife.” – Seth Meyers

“If you’re going to heckle the president, definitely do it while you’re dressed like a Disney villain.” – James Corden

“It was a busy night for Marjorie. She went right from the State of the Union to getting her 102nd Dalmatian.” – Jimmy Fallon

“President Biden spoke for 73 minutes, which sounds like a lot, but I feel like Biden could speak for 73 minutes to a wrong number.” – Seth Meyers

“Yep, Biden’s speech was passionate and energetic. He basically went from decaf green tea to Mountain Dew Code Red.” - Jimmy Fallon

“Biden also talked about the strong jobs market. He said people are working as bankers, real estate developers, dancers, philanthropists, Broadway producers — and that’s just George Santos.” – Jimmy Fallon

“And according to reports, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy personally requested that Biden not use the phrase ‘extreme MAGA Republicans’ during the State of the Union address. He asked Biden to please use a more inclusive term, like ‘insurrectionist Americans.’” – James Corden

“President Biden delivered his second State of the Union address tonight. Oh, you mean his balloon assassination victory lap?” – Seth Meyers

On the Chinese Spy Balloon shot down by a US fighter jet
Chelsea Handler said she felt bad for President Biden: “Obama got to order the assassination of bin Laden, and all he gets to do is murder a bag of helium.”

“But, hey, why not shoot it when you have a trillion-dollar defense budget and all of these rock-hard missiles lying around? Trump must be so jealous.” - Chelsea Handler

“And, as you heard, this balloon was the size of three buses. I love measuring things in buses. And for the rich people out there who don’t know what a bus is, they’re those big yellow vehicles that bring Matt Gaetz’s girlfriends to school.” - Chelsea Handler

“So the balloon went over Alaska, and then it went through Canada and then into U.S. airspace. And, by the way, Canada, thanks for the heads up on that….Canada saw the balloon, and they were like, ‘Oh, look, one of those Chinese lanterns!’” - Chelsea Handler

“The only way this balloon could have had a higher profile is if it had its own Instagram account.” – Seth Meyers

“Just to screw with Fox News, Biden should have announced that he was inviting the balloon to appear in this year’s Thanksgiving Day parade.” – Seth Meyers

“The balloon floated from Montana to South Carolina. Somehow it got across the country faster than someone flying Southwest.” – Jimmy Fallon

“No aliens. Nothing to see here. In a totally unrelated story, the United States has set up a new task force on UFOs.” – Stephen Colbert

On Trump on the campaign trail
Jimmy Kimmel said watching Trump return to campaigning was “sad,” calling it “the political equivalent of when Michael Jordan went to play for the Wizards.”

“Former President Trump kicked off his 2024 campaign at the New Hampshire Republican Party’s annual meeting and said, ‘I’m more angry now, and I’m more committed now than I ever was’ — though it’s never a good sign when your opening pitch is, ‘I’m blind with rage.’” – Seth Meyers

“Trump also warned that if Ron DeSantis runs for president, he would consider it a great act of disloyalty. And, you know, loyalty means everything to the guy who cheated on his third wife with a porn star and thought it might be cool to hang his vice president.” - Jimmy Kimmel

“Speaking of DeSantis, I saw that he’s actively preparing for a possible presidential run, and he hasn’t landed on an official slogan yet, but he’s trying a few out. First, there’s ‘DeSantis 2024: Diet Trump.’ Next, there’s ‘DeSantis 2024: DeAmerica DeTruly DeDeServes DeDeSantis.’ And finally, ‘DeSantis 2024: Make America Florida Again.’” - Jimmy Kimmel

Have a good weekend!

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Kimberly Scott

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