DemDaily: A Little Humor!
March 6, 2020
To Remind Us to Laugh
On Super Tuesday
Millions of Americans went to the polls on Super Tuesday or, as Trevor Noah referred to it, "the big night when Democrats in 14 states across America will decide whether the Democratic nominee should be an old man or an even older man."
"We won't find out the results of today's elections until long after this taping, so, for now, we'll just congratulate any man who's around the age of 78. Well done! You're crushing it! Never doubted you!" -- James Corden
"Vermont was easily won by the original founder of the state, Bernie Sanders." -- Trevor Noah
"[As Biden] I got Texas, I got Alabama, I got the whole dang Old Town Road. In fact, I was here when they wrote the damn song!" -- Jimmy Fallon"Yesterday, Joe Biden won three states he didn't even visit. That's true, yeah. That explains Biden's new campaign slogan: 'Vote for me or I'll come talk to you.'" -- Conan O'Brien
"I don't know if you saw this during his speech last night, protesters rushed toward Joe Biden and his wife, Jill, jumped in the way to keep her husband safe. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, today Melania Trump said 'Why would she do that?'" -- Conan O'Brien
"That Jill Biden - see that? - stepped in and blocked that protester like a white lady Jackie Chan. Bam!" -- Trevor Noah
"Forget first lady - she should be secretary of defense." -- Jimmy Fallon
On the Coronavirus
"President Trump said today that he has asked drug company executives to speed up the development of a coronavirus vaccine. Well, that's why you get paid the big bucks." -- Seth Meyers
"No one is blaming Trump for coronavirus - people just don't want him ignoring it like it will just go away. This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric." -- Trevor Noah
"So now he's telling people it's OK to go to work if they're sick. This from a guy who doesn't even go to work when he's healthy." -- Seth Meyers
"As a general rule, never trust someone's medical advice when they use the word 'miracle.'" -- Seth Meyers
On Candidates Dropping Out of the Race
"Yeah, first Tom Steyer dropped out, then Pete Buttigieg ended his historic run as the first openly robot candidate - and we all know once a gay guy sets a trend, white women aren't going to be far behind. So Klobuchar dropped out, too." -- Trevor Noah
Tuesday night "was big for Joe Biden because he got all the endorsements of his former rivals. Yeah, Buttigieg came out to say Joe was the only one who could unite the party, Klobuchar came out to say Joe was the best choice for moderates, and Beto O'Rourke came out to remind people he still exists." -- Jimmy Fallon
"So I guess we learned to pronounce 'Buttigieg' for nothing." -- Jimmy Kimmel
"'Come back in four years,' said a bouncer (to Buttigieg) who carded him at a bar." -- Seth Meyers
"Bloomberg spent half a billion dollars and all he got was a nationally televised atomic wedgie from Elizabeth Warren in the debates." -- Seth Meyers
"It just goes to show you, you can't buy the American presidency. You can steal it with the help of Russians, but you can't buy it." -- James Corden
"But good news, Mike - compared to de Blasio and Giuliani, you're still every New Yorker's favorite mayor." -- Jimmy Fallon
"Warren was an incredibly competent, pragmatic, intelligent and well-spoken - in other words, she never had a chance." -- Seth Meyers
"In spite of her experience, her track record and her skills in the debates, American voters ultimately decided she just didn't have what they were looking for in a president, which is a penis." -- Jimmy Kimmel
"Honestly, I can't say I blame Elizabeth Warren for dropping out. If there was ever a time you'd want to stop shaking millions of hands, this might be it." -- Jimmy Fallon
"And now the big question is who is Elizabeth Warren going to endorse: Biden or Bernie? Is she going to swipe right or really far left?" -- Trevor Noah
Have a good weekend!
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