DemDaily: A Little Humor!
July 10, 2020
To Remind Us to Laugh
On the Recent Supreme Court Ruling that Trump cannot end the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program -
"Yeah, at first, Trump was confused. He thought DACA was the AC/DC cover band opening for his rally in Tulsa." - Jimmy Fallon
"It's crazy that somebody in the White House had to be like, 'Bad news, Mr. President. Yeah, we don't get to deport 700,000 Dreamers. Bad news, sorry.'" - Jimmy Fallon
"Of course, Trump doesn't care about immigrants brought to the U.S. as children. He barely cares about immigrants he brought to the U.S. as wives." - Stephen Colbert
"That's right, the vote was 5-4. It was the first time Trump was like, 'Let's wait and make sure we count all the mail-in ballots. right? Because they count, too, right?'" - Jimmy Fallon
On Trump Trailing in the Polls
"Meanwhile, Trump's poll numbers are so low, he asked if he could declare bankruptcy and start over." - Jimmy Fallon
"Those numbers are so bad for Trump, today he held up John Bolton's book to change the subject." - Jimmy Fallon
"One disturbing part of (one) poll was the fact that 14% of voters would vote for another candidate, would not vote or did not know. Did not know? How the hell do you live through three and half years of Donald Trump and have no opinion? 'What's that? Who's president? Donald Trump? The guy from "The Apprentice"? Well, I missed that one. I was binge-watching a marathon of Kevin Spacey movies'" - Stephen Colbert
On Trump's Handling of the Virus
"Yeah, the European leaders disapprove of Trump's handling of the virus. Right now, the only ones who approve of Trump's handling of the virus is the virus." - Jimmy Fallon
"Leaders of the European Union are reportedly considering a ban on American tourists when borders reopen in July because of how the U.S. is handling the coronavirus. And, also, you know, all the other reasons. Coronavirus might just be a cover in this case." - Seth Meyers
"When Europe said they'd block Americans from entering, Trump was like, 'Wow, that must be some wall.'" - Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon on Trump's recent visit to the border wall in Arizona
"His approval rating has plummeted, his handling of the pandemic and protests have been a disaster, and his rally in Tulsa was seen as a flop. So, today, he decided to cheer himself up."
"Yep, Trump visited the wall today, because in time of crisis, it's important to be with your loved ones."
"Trump said he loves barriers that block dangerous things - then went back to not wearing a mask."
"It was quite a scene when Trump arrived, especially when his entire staff hopped the wall into Mexico. [Imitating Trump staff] 'Adios! See you at my book signing!'"
On rumors Trump paid Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him, "I've never taken my own tests, and I'm not going to start now," Trump allegedly snapped. -- Andy Borowitz
The New Yorker's How Things Work in a Pandemic
All e-mails are required to start with the sentence "I hope this finds you well in these strange and unprecedented times," regardless of the fact that absolutely no one is currently "well." None of us are "well," and most of us have probably never been "well." What does "well" even mean? If someone sends you an e-mail with the phrase "just following up!!!" you are legally allowed to egg their house.
Staying connected is important during this time of social isolation. Reach out to loved ones via group text or video call, or form close relationships with your houseplants. Your ficus is such a Miranda.
It only took a global pandemic for your parents to stop hounding you about getting married. Now your mom treats her sourdough starter like it's her grandchild. Also, Tinder is as awful as it was before, times a thousand.
The longer your Zoom background makes your co-workers chuckle, the longer you reign as "Daddy's Best Little Zoom Baby."
Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are no longer the designated meals of the day. Now there is "eating," "not eating," and "thinking about what to eat next." Sometimes "eating" takes place from dawn until dusk. Other times, you will just go back and forth between "eating" and "thinking about what to eat next" until you pass out.
Doing the Dishes
You will forever be doing dishes and never stop doing the dishes into infinity. You don't own your dishes anymore. The dishes own you.
In lieu of talking about the weather, we will now say things like, "Is your home hot or cold?" Instead of asking about weekend plans, we'll ask each other if we ever remember a time when Saturday felt like a respite. We do not ask, "How are you?" unless it's meant to be ironic.
Duvets, blankets, and towels are all acceptable outfits. Dress shoes are just something you say to make a funny joke. Bras have gone extinct.
It's always 4 p.m. It's never not 4 p.m., and it will always be 4 p.m.
Productivity has never been simpler. Just lay flat on your face on the floor and hope something happens.
These are now escape pods for feelings. Have a nice cry, a good scream, or simply sit and stare into the abyss inside your tin box of despair.
Have a good weekend and stay safe!
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